A Somewhat Pointless and Totally Stereotypical Post About Festival of Colors

So I don't want to make a giant deal about anything, but yesterday I went to Festival of Colors and I realized some awesome symbolism that I wanted to share.

First, for those people who are not from Utah and don't know what Festival of Colors is.  Basically you go to a Hindu temple out in Spanish Fork, and throw chalk dust at each other.

Now, on to the symbolism.

Before we even got our own colors we looked like this.

So you have to park a long way away from the temple and walk up this hill to get there.  At the same time you are going up, there are some people walking down from the festival.  These people are already covered in chalk.  Some of them even had extra that they had kept to throw at people they passed.  By the time you reach the top, you are already a bit colorful.  When you get there, you have to wait and press through a giant crowd to get your own colors.  Then when you have them, you kind of go crazy.  Throwing colors at each other, dumping chalk on strangers, even coloring your own hair and clothes, trying to become a rainbow with eyes.  Then, you realize how little chalk you have left, and you start rationing it.  You try and get more people to throw it at you than you throw at them.

By the end we looked like this!

I want to try an liken this all to a testimony.  I know it's all a bit cheesy but bear with me.

You can't just decide to have a testimony.  You have to put in the effort to get it.  When people see you trying they bear theirs to you, toss a little beauty over you while you're looking.  It makes you want it even more.  When you gain a testimony, you are ecstatic, you throw it everywhere, spill it carelessly, and don't keep track of it.  Then life gets hard and you realize how easy it is to lose.  You have to be careful from then on, not to lose it all.  You have to rely on others a bit to keep it up.  However, after a while, if you put in the effort, you can find more, and you can be beautiful and colorful with your faith in the Lord.

Alright, so maybe it's not a perfect analogy, but I hope it worked a little.  I'll leave it up to you to agree or disagree, this is just something I realized that brightened my weekend.

We Never Get What We Deserve

This week in New Testament we touched this really great topic that I wanted to share.

We've all heard that "life isn't fair."  Right?  I know I have.  I actually have never really believed this.  I felt that people really did tend to get what they really wanted.  Of course, not EVERYTHING, but the general things.  If you want to have a happy, fulfilled life, you get one.  If you want to have a good or bad relationship with your family and friends, you do.  It is not something you can't control.  Your life is in your hands.

Other people I know, when thinking how unfair life is, find it an awful idea.  Not getting the video game you want, or the job you want, or the spouse you feel would be best.

Well in New Testament we looked at it a different way, at how life being unfair can be a good thing.

Think about your life, more specifically, your actions.  Are you perfect?  I should hope not!  We are terrible, selfish creatures who muddle along through life.  Even with the gospel and the Spirit guiding us, we can't even come close to perfection.  Now in the Plan of Salvation, people are placed in the three kingdoms according to what they deserve.  Still, if you think about it, with no one being perfect, no one really deserves the Celestial Kingdom. We aren't good enough.

Now, a different road.  Consider the Savior.  He was perfect, and still, He suffered beyond anything we can comprehend.  He did not deserve that, but He chose it.

Because of this, He has a surplus of suffering, and can take ours away.  Because life was not "fair" to Him, life is not "fair" to us.  If we can realize this, and use His incredible Atonement in our lives, we too can get what we don't deserve.  We can attain what is beyond our reach, and we can be happy forever.

So the next time you think about how life is just so unfair, stop, think about it, and give thanks.  Because if life was fair, we would condemn ourselves.  But since it is not, we might just be saved.

About to Let Go

I know that pretty much no one reads this blog.  I'm ok with that.  I really only still post so I can get credit in my New Testament class.  Today though, I have some other things to talk about that will come first.

Florianòpolis, where I will be spending
18 months of my life, serving its wonderful people.

So I have a mission call now, a specific day for me to go to a specific place for eighteen months.  During that time, I will be so removed from everything in my life right now.  I will not see anyone, go to school, listen to popular music, wear casual clothes, watch TV, or any number of things that are in my life right now.  I won't even really be a part of my own family.  I will be able to email or write letters once a week, and a call home once ever six months, that's only three times the whole time I am there.  My mom already has said that they aren't going to be very descriptive in what is happening at home, since I need to be focused.  I have friends who say they will write me, but sending letters from the United States to Brazil is expensive and takes weeks.

In essence I am going to be leaving my entire life behind, starting in 129 days.  I have friends with calls who are trying to nail down their lives before they leave.  In fact, I know several who are trying to convince their crush in the next few months that they would be great together so they can date after they get back.  I myself have been trying to figure out where I am going to live, and whether or not I will need two jobs or a student loan.  Mostly though, I see people trying to set their friendships in stone so they can let go for any time between eighteen months and two years and come back exactly where they were before.

It's scary, that idea of letting go, of losing control of so much of your life for that long.  A mission changes you, and who is to say that your friend/roommate/significant other will change the same way?  I will be returning in a little less that two years.  When I think back to who I was almost two years ago, I am astounded by how different I am.  Almost two years ago I was about to graduate high school.  I was full of petty grudges, insecurities, and also a lot of pride.  I didn't like my family, extended or otherwise, and I couldn't wait to get away to beautiful BYU, the school of my dreams.  The friends that I had then are not my friends now.  I don't even talk to them anymore.  I have changed, and they have changed, to the point where I don't know if either party would still be good friends.  The same thing happens during a mission, but even more, because you are put through trials and all you have to hold on to is the Lord.  A few flimsy letters from miles and miles away written by people you won't see for months won't do the trick.

These are all the places I have lived.
I actually lived in Ohio two different times.

My dad was in the Air Force until just a couple of years ago.  My childhood consisted of moving states or countries once every two or three years.  I have had to let go of a lot of people.  After a while I started to develop a sort of system.  I got close to a lot of people really fast (not too close though, you'll understand later) and had a fun first few months.  After that I would decide who I wanted my closer friends to be, and do it (still not getting too close though) and have a great time.  After a while though, my family would get new orders and prepare to leave again.  We would put our house up for sale, start packing the non-essentials  and look for a new house at the new place.  It would be then that I would start letting go of everyone.  I would be a bit more distant, not try as much, and definitely not be as emotionally involved.  I would start this process pretty early, so I would have a couple of months of distance.  This would make the move easier on me and my friends.  It made for a few lonely months, but neither I or the people I left behind would be missed.

I have already started doing this when it comes to my mission.  There are friends that I used to be really close to that I haven't talked to in a few days or weeks.  I even have a class with a couple of them, but I will barely say hello and a few sentences of the awkward "How are you?"  "Good"  "Me too." before and after class when I can slip away again.  I have effectively slid from close friend to friend/acquaintance.  Sure it gets a bit sad when I see a Facebook post about a fun hangout with their "favorite people in the world" and I never heard about it, and remember times when I was so involved.  Still, I can't force myself to change it.  When I get back, most of them will either be about to graduate, on missions themselves for another year, or off living somewhere together.  I have plans to room with a relatively new friend afterwards, since we'll be coming back within a month of each other, but even if that fell through I would be fine.  I have learned just how easy it is to start over again.

My favorite book right now

Wow, ok I am feeling a bit depressed after writing all that!  Time to move on to the awesome, happy stuff about having a mission call, starting at the bottom of stuff that thrills me.

First, Mission Prep. Class.  I am so much more involved.  I am desperate for any little drop of knowledge that will help me teach someone.  I feel that since my effort is increased, the Spirit brings a lot more things to the front of my mind.

Second, Portuguese.  I can't believe how much I love this language.  It is a bit tough trying to lose my Mexican/Argentinian accent but so great when I can read my Livro de Mormon and understand it.  When I am in a religion class and I learn something amazing my mind jumps straight to "remember that you need to find a good way to say that in Portuguese."

Third, starting at the bottom and working my way up.  I know when I get to the MTC in Sáo Paulo I will be so far below what I want and need to be to actually teach people.  I won't know what pretty much anyone is saying, or how to talk back to them.  I won't know how to teach people.  But I am so excited to get better, to be fluent, and know how to let the Spirit teach through me.

Draper Temple

Fourth, being endowed.  This is so amazing to me that I get to go through the temple.  The plan is to go during my family's Spring Break in less than a month.  I am so excited!  I will be given more responsibilities, sure, but I will also be given an extra helping of the Spirit to help me with them.  We talked about endowments in New Testament this week.  We talked about the fall and apostasy of the people of Israel, and how the Law of Moses was a step for them to get back on the path they were on.  Professor Griffin said that for us, being endowed is that last step to get up to that level of fully living the gospel and getting closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in this life.  I want to be on that level.

I guess you could say that even though I am letting go of a lot of things that I love, I am taking up many more things that I will love even more.  I can't even imagine what other things will come of going on my mission but I am more than willing to let go in order to receive.

My Call

This week I received my mission call.  I've been called to the Brazil, Florianopolis mission.  I will admit, beforehand, when I would get asked where I wanted to go, I'd either say it didn't matter or that I'd like to go somewhere Spanish speaking.  Those were my feelings.  Although, when someone would suggest Brazil, I would get this secret fear or reluctance, like I didn't want to go there.

When I opened my call my mind was racing.  I saw the passport application and immediately knew I was going foreign.  Then I pulled out the official letter/call and started reading.  Before I said a single thing I saw the word Brazil.  It hit me like a wall, but not in a bad way.  Let me explain what I mean.

I've had a bit of a tough year.  Looking back on it now, it wasn't very full of trials or anything, I just allowed myself to fall pretty far.  Around four months ago I decided enough was enough.  I started hauling myself out of the pit I dug for myself.  It's been an amazing journey, and I have learned a lot.  It seems that whenever I get close to the "top," where I feel my abilities stop or that I don't need to do more, something new opens up and I can see another few steps up the hill.

This is how I felt when I read my call.  The next few steps of my life appeared.  I knew the things that I needed to do.  I can see where I am going now.

Since then I have been learning even more than I thought was possible.  Portuguese is an amazing language, and I can only imagine how much more I have to learn.  I would continue on, but I have too much to do, and I can't wait any longer to do it.

Sidelined

A few days ago, I had the scariest, worst day of my life.  It was also one of the most comforting and enlightening.  My friends and I had left the Utah Bubble for the weekend.  We headed across to Colorado to visit a friend, see the beautiful state, and have a good time.  We had a great time!  There's just something about Colorado that brings out the kid in me.  I want to climb on stuff, the instant I see it.  From trees to giant boulders.  It's still going on in fact, I saw a big pile of snow on campus today and I couldn't help myself, I had to get to the top.

Then, at the end of this perfect weekend, the unthinkable happened.  We decided to drive back to Utah via I-80 in Wyoming.  We stopped at my family home in Laramie for a while, and then continued on.  I took the driver's seat for that leg of the journey.  Around an hour later it happened.  Suddenly, I was partway off the road.  I don't know how it happened, I can't remember drifting off or anything, I was just all of a sudden there.  I tried to get back on the road, but I panicked a bit. Stuck on cruise control at 75 MPH, I overcorrected and veered into the other lane.  There was a semi truck in front of me and a car behind, so I tried to get back into my lane.  This time I pressed the brake.  Still, it was another overcorrection.  We slid right off the road and into the median.  I tried to gain control, but there was nothing I could do at that point.  
When the tires on the driver side left the ground, I gave up.  This is when I stopped paying attention tothe crash.  I closed my eyes, let go of the wheel, and prayed.  In that moment where we were upside down, I expected to die.  There were three thoughts in my mind at that time. 

I was so glad that I had taken the Sacrament that morning.
I realized all the things in my life I still needed to do. 
My friends were in the car too, and I wished that they weren't.

Gratitude and shame.  That was what I felt.  When the car stopped rolling (after at least two full rolls) these were still my feelings.  Grateful to still be alive, but so ashamed of myself for endangering my friends.  Turning around I could see Megan starting to shake, obviously heading into shock, blood on her pillowcase, and glass and dirt everywhere.  I grabbed her by the hand and started apologizing over and over again.  I could see that Jonathan and Cortney were alright, but I didn't know how badly Megan was injured.  Through the next hour, waiting for the police, the ambulance  and my parents, I didn't have time to think about it, all I knew was that we were alive, but I was responsible for anything that had happened to them.  

I won't spend more time describing what happened.  If you're curious, you can read Megan's blog post about the crash and being in the hospital here.  I want to talk about what my thoughts have been since.

First, being alive and well.  There were many things that I feel contributed to that.  We'd prayed that morning before we left.  I truly believe in the protective power of prayer, but it was more than that.  I believe that the Lord protects those who place their lives in His hands and do His will.  Of the four of us in the car, all of us had done this.  Jonathan has a mission call, I just turned mine in last night, Cortney is on track to finish his in the next week, and although Megan isn't planning to serve at this time, she has her priorities based on what the Lord wants her to do.  We have all decided that our lives are not really in our hands, but that we were being directed by the Lord.  As an Accounting major, we learn about the future value of assets.  At that time, we hadn't yet recognized our full value.  Heavenly Father wasn't done with us yet, He still needs us.  We have places to go, things to do, and people's lives to touch and be touched by.

Next, the guilt.  As a Mormon, I've heard about and read a lot of stories similar to mine.  Car accidents of varying degrees, drunk drivers hitting them, everyone dying, no one being hurt, and everything in between.  When told from the driver's perspective, there's always a description of their guilt or grief.  I understand now a little of why they felt this way.  Being in control of something with that much power and losing all control, putting the lives of people you love in danger, it puts a lot of weight on your conscience.  While I was determined not to go through a lot of emotional barbed wire, I could feel it tangling around me a bit.  While I knew my friends did not fully blame me and didn't want me to feel guilty, I didn't want to just toss the experience behind me like it meant nothing.

Today I was feeling really down about it.  Cortney joined Megan, me, and our friend Katie in our New Testament class.  I felt awkward the entire time.  I didn't know whether I should act like nothing happened or stay really quiet and demure and not call attention to myself.  I ended up taking that option.  Later today though, I started realizing how pointless it is to let this uncertainty hold me back.  Fear is paralyzing, and with my mission papers in and so many things I need to do, this fear is worse than useless.

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for
I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help 
thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness."

It's time to give up on fear.  Doubt is the opposite of faith.  I cannot hope to live by the Spirit and serve a mission if I am afraid.  

That was my battle for the week.  I encourage you all to think of your fears that are keeping you on the sideline of the Battle for the Kingdom.  What makes you doubt yourself?  What makes you less eager to serve?  Why do you stay on the sidelines?

Love for the Undesirable

We all know the story of Saul.  He prosecuted the early Saints, then had a sort of Alma the Younger experience, changed his ways, and became Paul, one of the most powerful men in the scriptures.

I love this story, it perfectly illustrates how much love the Lord has for us. He tolerated Saul's attempts to destroy His church and murder His disciples.  Then, when He decided to bring him back into the fold it was done with such astounding love and mercy.  Saul could have been wiped off the face of the planet so easily.  Instead he was spoken to (Privately even!  No one else heard the voice) and it was explained how much more sad he would be later for this rebellion right now.  True he was blinded for three days, but I feel that was more to enable the repentance that occurred than to punish him.

Then remember Ananias?  He was told to go help Saul.  He was confused for a while.  Saul had probably been planning to  destroy him and the saints in Damascus.  Still, Ananias obeyed the Lord and learned to forgive Saul.

How can we follow these examples?  Being loving and forgiving to someone who is the "Saul" of our lives.  Sometimes we like to hold back our love from someone we feel doesn't deserve it.  Maybe they hurt us, or someone we love.  We can still forgive and love them.  Every child of God deserves at least that much.  

I invite everyone who reads this to look at your life to someone who you feel has wronged you.  Maybe you feel like you've forgiven them, but you find it hard to love them.  Remember the story of Saul, and those who love and forgave him.

Speak Up!

So this semester at BYU I'm taking a New Testament class.  I love the New Testament.  It was my favorite year in seminary and besides the Book of Mormon; it's probably the book of scripture I know best.  

This is just to give context to this post.  Earlier today, I was reading in Acts.  Peter and John were in Jerusalem and some of the Sanhedrin were threatening them because they were preaching about Christ.  When they did, the response of these two apostles was this.

          4:20

               For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.

How cool is this?  There was so much inside these two men they literally could not hold it in, they had to share it.  If you continue to read, they are eventually ordered by an angel to preach more, and not to hold back.  Sometimes I wish I could get an order like this.  I like (or at least I’d like to think) to talk about the gospel with people.  I’ve been making it an important part of my life, and I feel that the more important something is to a person, the more they think of it and the more likely they are to talk about it. 

         

This isn’t really what I wanted to focus on though.  I feel like all those who have been so blessed to know the truth about the Plan of Salvation should be full of joy.  I know I have been in recent weeks.  We should be bursting with the light of it.  We shouldn’t keep this to ourselves.  We should want to share it with everyone, with the voice of an angel, as Alma mentions in Alma 29:1-2.

I often feel self-conscious when I talk about the gospel in my daily life.  It makes me feel odd.  I know I shouldn’t, my parents do it all the time, those I know who have amazing testimonies just can’t help it sometimes.  I want to be one of those people.  Any testimony is a beautiful thing and deserves to be share.  If that is something that you want to, I encourage you to do the same.  Don’t hold it in, the word is for everyone.