Sidelined

A few days ago, I had the scariest, worst day of my life.  It was also one of the most comforting and enlightening.  My friends and I had left the Utah Bubble for the weekend.  We headed across to Colorado to visit a friend, see the beautiful state, and have a good time.  We had a great time!  There's just something about Colorado that brings out the kid in me.  I want to climb on stuff, the instant I see it.  From trees to giant boulders.  It's still going on in fact, I saw a big pile of snow on campus today and I couldn't help myself, I had to get to the top.

Then, at the end of this perfect weekend, the unthinkable happened.  We decided to drive back to Utah via I-80 in Wyoming.  We stopped at my family home in Laramie for a while, and then continued on.  I took the driver's seat for that leg of the journey.  Around an hour later it happened.  Suddenly, I was partway off the road.  I don't know how it happened, I can't remember drifting off or anything, I was just all of a sudden there.  I tried to get back on the road, but I panicked a bit. Stuck on cruise control at 75 MPH, I overcorrected and veered into the other lane.  There was a semi truck in front of me and a car behind, so I tried to get back into my lane.  This time I pressed the brake.  Still, it was another overcorrection.  We slid right off the road and into the median.  I tried to gain control, but there was nothing I could do at that point.  
When the tires on the driver side left the ground, I gave up.  This is when I stopped paying attention tothe crash.  I closed my eyes, let go of the wheel, and prayed.  In that moment where we were upside down, I expected to die.  There were three thoughts in my mind at that time. 

I was so glad that I had taken the Sacrament that morning.
I realized all the things in my life I still needed to do. 
My friends were in the car too, and I wished that they weren't.

Gratitude and shame.  That was what I felt.  When the car stopped rolling (after at least two full rolls) these were still my feelings.  Grateful to still be alive, but so ashamed of myself for endangering my friends.  Turning around I could see Megan starting to shake, obviously heading into shock, blood on her pillowcase, and glass and dirt everywhere.  I grabbed her by the hand and started apologizing over and over again.  I could see that Jonathan and Cortney were alright, but I didn't know how badly Megan was injured.  Through the next hour, waiting for the police, the ambulance  and my parents, I didn't have time to think about it, all I knew was that we were alive, but I was responsible for anything that had happened to them.  

I won't spend more time describing what happened.  If you're curious, you can read Megan's blog post about the crash and being in the hospital here.  I want to talk about what my thoughts have been since.

First, being alive and well.  There were many things that I feel contributed to that.  We'd prayed that morning before we left.  I truly believe in the protective power of prayer, but it was more than that.  I believe that the Lord protects those who place their lives in His hands and do His will.  Of the four of us in the car, all of us had done this.  Jonathan has a mission call, I just turned mine in last night, Cortney is on track to finish his in the next week, and although Megan isn't planning to serve at this time, she has her priorities based on what the Lord wants her to do.  We have all decided that our lives are not really in our hands, but that we were being directed by the Lord.  As an Accounting major, we learn about the future value of assets.  At that time, we hadn't yet recognized our full value.  Heavenly Father wasn't done with us yet, He still needs us.  We have places to go, things to do, and people's lives to touch and be touched by.

Next, the guilt.  As a Mormon, I've heard about and read a lot of stories similar to mine.  Car accidents of varying degrees, drunk drivers hitting them, everyone dying, no one being hurt, and everything in between.  When told from the driver's perspective, there's always a description of their guilt or grief.  I understand now a little of why they felt this way.  Being in control of something with that much power and losing all control, putting the lives of people you love in danger, it puts a lot of weight on your conscience.  While I was determined not to go through a lot of emotional barbed wire, I could feel it tangling around me a bit.  While I knew my friends did not fully blame me and didn't want me to feel guilty, I didn't want to just toss the experience behind me like it meant nothing.

Today I was feeling really down about it.  Cortney joined Megan, me, and our friend Katie in our New Testament class.  I felt awkward the entire time.  I didn't know whether I should act like nothing happened or stay really quiet and demure and not call attention to myself.  I ended up taking that option.  Later today though, I started realizing how pointless it is to let this uncertainty hold me back.  Fear is paralyzing, and with my mission papers in and so many things I need to do, this fear is worse than useless.

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for
I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help 
thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness."

It's time to give up on fear.  Doubt is the opposite of faith.  I cannot hope to live by the Spirit and serve a mission if I am afraid.  

That was my battle for the week.  I encourage you all to think of your fears that are keeping you on the sideline of the Battle for the Kingdom.  What makes you doubt yourself?  What makes you less eager to serve?  Why do you stay on the sidelines?