Sidelined

A few days ago, I had the scariest, worst day of my life.  It was also one of the most comforting and enlightening.  My friends and I had left the Utah Bubble for the weekend.  We headed across to Colorado to visit a friend, see the beautiful state, and have a good time.  We had a great time!  There's just something about Colorado that brings out the kid in me.  I want to climb on stuff, the instant I see it.  From trees to giant boulders.  It's still going on in fact, I saw a big pile of snow on campus today and I couldn't help myself, I had to get to the top.

Then, at the end of this perfect weekend, the unthinkable happened.  We decided to drive back to Utah via I-80 in Wyoming.  We stopped at my family home in Laramie for a while, and then continued on.  I took the driver's seat for that leg of the journey.  Around an hour later it happened.  Suddenly, I was partway off the road.  I don't know how it happened, I can't remember drifting off or anything, I was just all of a sudden there.  I tried to get back on the road, but I panicked a bit. Stuck on cruise control at 75 MPH, I overcorrected and veered into the other lane.  There was a semi truck in front of me and a car behind, so I tried to get back into my lane.  This time I pressed the brake.  Still, it was another overcorrection.  We slid right off the road and into the median.  I tried to gain control, but there was nothing I could do at that point.  
When the tires on the driver side left the ground, I gave up.  This is when I stopped paying attention tothe crash.  I closed my eyes, let go of the wheel, and prayed.  In that moment where we were upside down, I expected to die.  There were three thoughts in my mind at that time. 

I was so glad that I had taken the Sacrament that morning.
I realized all the things in my life I still needed to do. 
My friends were in the car too, and I wished that they weren't.

Gratitude and shame.  That was what I felt.  When the car stopped rolling (after at least two full rolls) these were still my feelings.  Grateful to still be alive, but so ashamed of myself for endangering my friends.  Turning around I could see Megan starting to shake, obviously heading into shock, blood on her pillowcase, and glass and dirt everywhere.  I grabbed her by the hand and started apologizing over and over again.  I could see that Jonathan and Cortney were alright, but I didn't know how badly Megan was injured.  Through the next hour, waiting for the police, the ambulance  and my parents, I didn't have time to think about it, all I knew was that we were alive, but I was responsible for anything that had happened to them.  

I won't spend more time describing what happened.  If you're curious, you can read Megan's blog post about the crash and being in the hospital here.  I want to talk about what my thoughts have been since.

First, being alive and well.  There were many things that I feel contributed to that.  We'd prayed that morning before we left.  I truly believe in the protective power of prayer, but it was more than that.  I believe that the Lord protects those who place their lives in His hands and do His will.  Of the four of us in the car, all of us had done this.  Jonathan has a mission call, I just turned mine in last night, Cortney is on track to finish his in the next week, and although Megan isn't planning to serve at this time, she has her priorities based on what the Lord wants her to do.  We have all decided that our lives are not really in our hands, but that we were being directed by the Lord.  As an Accounting major, we learn about the future value of assets.  At that time, we hadn't yet recognized our full value.  Heavenly Father wasn't done with us yet, He still needs us.  We have places to go, things to do, and people's lives to touch and be touched by.

Next, the guilt.  As a Mormon, I've heard about and read a lot of stories similar to mine.  Car accidents of varying degrees, drunk drivers hitting them, everyone dying, no one being hurt, and everything in between.  When told from the driver's perspective, there's always a description of their guilt or grief.  I understand now a little of why they felt this way.  Being in control of something with that much power and losing all control, putting the lives of people you love in danger, it puts a lot of weight on your conscience.  While I was determined not to go through a lot of emotional barbed wire, I could feel it tangling around me a bit.  While I knew my friends did not fully blame me and didn't want me to feel guilty, I didn't want to just toss the experience behind me like it meant nothing.

Today I was feeling really down about it.  Cortney joined Megan, me, and our friend Katie in our New Testament class.  I felt awkward the entire time.  I didn't know whether I should act like nothing happened or stay really quiet and demure and not call attention to myself.  I ended up taking that option.  Later today though, I started realizing how pointless it is to let this uncertainty hold me back.  Fear is paralyzing, and with my mission papers in and so many things I need to do, this fear is worse than useless.

Isaiah 41:10
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for
I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help 
thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my
righteousness."

It's time to give up on fear.  Doubt is the opposite of faith.  I cannot hope to live by the Spirit and serve a mission if I am afraid.  

That was my battle for the week.  I encourage you all to think of your fears that are keeping you on the sideline of the Battle for the Kingdom.  What makes you doubt yourself?  What makes you less eager to serve?  Why do you stay on the sidelines?

Love for the Undesirable

We all know the story of Saul.  He prosecuted the early Saints, then had a sort of Alma the Younger experience, changed his ways, and became Paul, one of the most powerful men in the scriptures.

I love this story, it perfectly illustrates how much love the Lord has for us. He tolerated Saul's attempts to destroy His church and murder His disciples.  Then, when He decided to bring him back into the fold it was done with such astounding love and mercy.  Saul could have been wiped off the face of the planet so easily.  Instead he was spoken to (Privately even!  No one else heard the voice) and it was explained how much more sad he would be later for this rebellion right now.  True he was blinded for three days, but I feel that was more to enable the repentance that occurred than to punish him.

Then remember Ananias?  He was told to go help Saul.  He was confused for a while.  Saul had probably been planning to  destroy him and the saints in Damascus.  Still, Ananias obeyed the Lord and learned to forgive Saul.

How can we follow these examples?  Being loving and forgiving to someone who is the "Saul" of our lives.  Sometimes we like to hold back our love from someone we feel doesn't deserve it.  Maybe they hurt us, or someone we love.  We can still forgive and love them.  Every child of God deserves at least that much.  

I invite everyone who reads this to look at your life to someone who you feel has wronged you.  Maybe you feel like you've forgiven them, but you find it hard to love them.  Remember the story of Saul, and those who love and forgave him.

Speak Up!

So this semester at BYU I'm taking a New Testament class.  I love the New Testament.  It was my favorite year in seminary and besides the Book of Mormon; it's probably the book of scripture I know best.  

This is just to give context to this post.  Earlier today, I was reading in Acts.  Peter and John were in Jerusalem and some of the Sanhedrin were threatening them because they were preaching about Christ.  When they did, the response of these two apostles was this.

          4:20

               For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.

How cool is this?  There was so much inside these two men they literally could not hold it in, they had to share it.  If you continue to read, they are eventually ordered by an angel to preach more, and not to hold back.  Sometimes I wish I could get an order like this.  I like (or at least I’d like to think) to talk about the gospel with people.  I’ve been making it an important part of my life, and I feel that the more important something is to a person, the more they think of it and the more likely they are to talk about it. 

         

This isn’t really what I wanted to focus on though.  I feel like all those who have been so blessed to know the truth about the Plan of Salvation should be full of joy.  I know I have been in recent weeks.  We should be bursting with the light of it.  We shouldn’t keep this to ourselves.  We should want to share it with everyone, with the voice of an angel, as Alma mentions in Alma 29:1-2.

I often feel self-conscious when I talk about the gospel in my daily life.  It makes me feel odd.  I know I shouldn’t, my parents do it all the time, those I know who have amazing testimonies just can’t help it sometimes.  I want to be one of those people.  Any testimony is a beautiful thing and deserves to be share.  If that is something that you want to, I encourage you to do the same.  Don’t hold it in, the word is for everyone.

I'm Baaaaack!!!

Wow, long time no see!

I've had a bit of a rough month.  I haven't been as attentive as I should have been and as a result, a few things have happened.  

1.  The schedule of my life has been funky.

2.  I've lost touch with some friends.

3.  New situations have taken me by surprise and I’ve been pretty lost.

But no more!!

Now, I'm not saying I’ve become a bad person or anything, but I’ve been coasting, that's for sure, and it has to stop.  The road to awesomeness is full of tough choices, but they are worth it.  

Tonight I want to talk about humility and faith.  Over Thanksgiving Break, my mom told me that I need to be more humble.  I didn't realize for a while just how right she was.  I tend to justify myself a lot, and feel like I don't need to worry, that I can handle anything.  But I’m not that strong, and I’m far from perfect.  I realize that I wish I were more humble, you get blessings!  Alma 32:12 links humility with wisdom.  As a sophomore at BYU, trying to get into the very competitive Accounting program in the Marriott Business School, I need all the wisdom I can get.  Think about it; are you as humble as you could be?  I'm not.  Even this blog shows that!  Part of my reasoning behind it is that someone could learn something from me, as if I know more than people about the gospel!!  How conceited is that?  I apologize!  I promise now I will try to keep this as a record of what I learn only.

Anyway, in the same chapter of Alma is the famous comparison of faith to a seed.  I think most of us know how it goes.  Plant the seed of faith.  If it grows, great, it's a good seed, take care of it!  I never really thought about the other side.  If it doesn't grow, it's a bad seed, throw it out.

This can be for more than faith.  It can be for choosing a major, testing a new medicine, or beginning a new relationship.  Try it, take care of it.  If it's good, it will grow, if not, it won't, get rid of it.  I myself have a bit of trouble with the 'get rid of it' part.  It's hard for me to let something go that I’ve cared for, no matter what.  But I guess that's my pride again.  My time is not so precious that I shouldn't admit to a mistake and change.  Darn the difficulty I have to try.  Here's to change, I'm so grateful that I can.  Wouldn't it be awful to be stuck at subpar forever?

All right well it's late, and my emotions are a bit raw, so I bid you goodnight.

Election 2012

I know that a lot of people are upset by what happened tonight, I kind of am too.  I voted for Romney.  But try and think this way.

While Obama might not been my choice, and I feel that the country would be better off with Romney at the wheel, I highly doubt he would do anything that would stop me from living my standards.  The United States is a country of the people.  Our leaders will not do things to truly 'screw us over.'  Honestly, I feel like most of them that I don't agree with just enable people to do things I don't agree with or make it harder for me to do the things I want.

As a Mormon, I am not discouraged by the bad things in the world, I let them fall behind me, and I am not saddened by having to work harder to live my testimony.  I relish it.  I get to prove beyond any doubt how devoted I am to doing what's right.  

The true problem in America is not who is in charge, it's what the people want.  Their moral compasses do not point North.  The president can't change this, it isn't his job.  He does not have responsibility for the nation's morals.  I feel that with Romney as president we would eventually still fall into a moral quagmire.  My personal standards have been deviating from the world's for years, and whoever is living in the White House won't change that.  The only thing that can is the Word of the One True God.

I guess what I'm saying is as long as I can live my life the way the Lord wants me to, I will rejoice.  Lift up your heads and rejoice, for now is the time we will stand out beyond any other.  The world is darkening, let's shine brighter in comparison.  

Who Wants to Go on a Family Vacation?

Tonight I was reading in James E. Talmage's "Jesus The Christ."  I've heard stories about this book, and so far, it's living up to the hype.  Brother Talmage has such mastery over words and concepts, he paints a beautiful picture of the Christ.

I was reading about the pre-existence.  During this "time" we as spirit children of God decided against Lucifer's plan of compulsion.  We chose to suffer through life and exercise free agency.  Brother Talmage calls free agency our "divine heritage."  This made me think back to earlier today, to a conversation I had with a few of my residents.  I won't go into details about anything, but it really made me wonder what sort of futures these girls will have, how many times their hearts will break before they find relief, what sort of mothers they will become, and when their personal conversions will occur.

God is our spiritual father, the creator of our souls and everything in our universe.  I love to compare Him to an earthly father when I think of Him in relation to me, it makes more sense to my mind, which is still bound behind the inhibiting veil.  If I was given the gift of freedom for a day from my parents, my favorite gift of all when I was in high school, what would I do with it?  I know something I definitely would not do!  Be bored!  Now if I was told that what I did with this one day of freedom would determine if I could join my family on a vacation to the most amazing place on earth, would I act differently?  Of course!  I would probably stay at home a bit more, talk to my parents, and check with them whether or not an activity I had in mind would disqualify me from the family vacation.  I would make sure I was around the right friends, who would not encourage me to get a bit wild.  I would probably try to schmooze a little bit and run some errands.  I might pick up my siblings from school, do some grocery shopping, and help organize the house.  Then, when I was pretty positive I was doing ok, I would hold back a bit and try to keep myself physically safe.  I wouldn't want to be sick or injured on the vacation!  In other words, I would live that day on my absolute best behavior.

This is what our lives are!  A day of absolute freedom, that determines whether we can enjoy a future paradise.  We should be living on our best behaviors.  We should be with those who uplift us, not those who encourage us to dabble a bit in the "fun stuff" in life.  We should stay in the Lord's home, the temple as much as we can, and talk to Him, to know whether the path we are on is a good one.  We should be picking up our "siblings" from school, or rather, serving our fellow man and doing missionary work.  We should run the errands of the Lord, and He will tell us what those are, He will not leave us in the dark.  When was the last time your mom or dad asked you to do something, but didn't tell you what it was you needed to do?  We should organize His kingdom on the earth.  Then, when I say keeping ourselves physically safe, I mean that somewhat literally.  If you haven't read my post about the nature of the soul, it's here.  Our souls depend on our bodies being intact to function at optimal levels.  This includes our emotions.  I know many people who throw themselves around like a Lego in a drier, living life on the edge.  Sure the ride is fun, but it's not worth the cracks and melted plastic that we end up as.   We are NOT supposed to "eat, drink, and be merry" just because we can.  Yes I know that the verse I took that from is more about people believing that God will forgive all their sins with no effort on their part, but I feel it still applies here.  Just because we can repent of our sins, doesn't mean we should be living a life where we have to repent of every other thing we do.  Just because duct tape is amazing doesn't mean we should cut ourselves in half.  After a car is dented in an accident, you can push the metal back into shape, but it is weaker than before, and more liable to bend again.

Life is not the party, life is the road to the party.

Sorry if I kind of get stuck on this topic, there's many a time where I want to grab people by the shoulders and say "Stop living life so carelessly!!  It was given as a gift, and the price was beyond any you can comprehend!  It really isn't actually even yours!"  I get really frustrated by it so I apologize to anyone who feels offended by this.  I just wish people would take a step back and think about what it is that they are really doing.

Anyway, just keep in mind that this life is a time of probation, not of party nations.

Milk Vs. Meat

Tonight while reading, I was led to read in Hebrews Chapter 5.  At first I didn't know why, because it mainly talks about Christ being a high priest and the priesthood.  The last three verses though, caught hold of my mind.

12.  For when for the time ye ought to be teachers, ye have need that one teach you again which be the first principles of the oracles of God; and are become such as have need of milk, and not of strong meat.
13.  For every one that useth milk is unskilful in the word of righteousness: for he is a babe.
14.  But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

For those of you that don't exactly understand the metaphor here, I'll explain it.  Milk is the basic doctrine, the foundation of testimonies, such as the love of God and having faith in Him and His plan.  Think of it this way, what do you feed babies?  Milk!  So what do you give spiritual babies?  Spiritual milk!  If you can remember any Primary lessons, think back to them.  I don't really remember being taught them but I do remember teaching a few myself.  Many of them are scripture stories where the lesson is "Have Faith," "Love One Another," or "Obey Your Mommy and Daddy."  This is the spiritual milk that feeds us until we are on our feet and ready to walk.  That is when we move on to the strong meat.  Meat is protein, which builds muscle, making us strong, which allows us to do many different things. It allows ballerinas to leap and stand for hours on the tips of their toes and construction workers to work together to create immense structures.  Therefore spiritual meat is what really strengthens us on specific topics.  It allows some of us to leap through the air and really feel this word reverberate through us, and some of us to cooperate to create a magnificent, spiritual environment for others.

It's really amazing how true this metaphor is!  When we are young, if we drink enough milk, we do not often have problems with weak bones when we are older.  The same goes for building a strong foundation for our testimonies.  I can personally say right now that I know for a fact that there is a God who cares about me personally and has blessed me by placing me in His one true church. These are a few things that I will never be able to deny.  But just as muscle can be gained and lost and needs constant upkeep, so our testimonies constantly shift, growing larger and smaller depending on the effort we put into them.


I am sure there are even more ways this metaphor can be applied, but for now I will just leave it there.  The message I got from these verses was this.  You are not a babe any more, your foundation is not in danger, you have been lingering on the basics for too long.  Move on.  Learn more.  Grow more.  Partake of the strong meat and become strong in the Spirit.

Recognize where you are developmentally and what you are "eating."  Don't be a baby gnawing (or maybe even gumming) at a slab of meat.  Don't be an adult swilling milk.  Be who you are, and what you are meant to be will follow.